Being Single
There are
many pressures we can face in society, we might feel pressured to go to a
certain college or university or going to college in general, getting a certain
career or a 9 to 5 job, getting married and having kids at a certain age just
because their friends and peers are doing it or because society or our families
expect us to do so. The last one is especially tough because people see their
friends getting married and having kids at a certain time and sometimes parents
expect them to do so because they want some grandchildren, plus those folks may
be seen as lonely losers. Well, it is hard when faced with these pressures, but
there’s nothing wrong with not wanting that and I’d like to write about that.
Content With Singles
Sometimes,
we might try to get together with someone because of expectations, however if
you do enjoy being single, there’s nothing wrong with that, you might be happy
doing things on your own and be able to spend time with family members, friends
and pets. Being single has a lot of benefits, you can focus on your schooling,
your dream job or career, doing the things you really love, you see, one of the
toughest things about relationships is that sometimes you have to make
compromises and sacrifices, and while that is a noble thing to do, it can be
hard when you’re still young and trying to figure out who you are and what you
want, it might be hard to sacrifice this time for relationship commitments,
possible marriage and having kids, because you want to enjoy your life. So
don’t rush into relationships, there is plenty of time and enjoy the single
life and time with friends.
My Non-Single Life
I once had a
boyfriend and I did enjoy it at first but soon as time went on, I started to
have mixed emotions that turned into uncomfortable emotions and it took me a
longer time than I probably should’ve to break up with him.
I had
suffered from emotional and learning issues, so I joined a friendship club that
would help me learn social skills and ways to live a good life. I went to
different sessions and made a few friends, I met my best friend at one of them.
One of the people I met was this one boy who was a couple of years older than
me, he was nice and good to talk to, after some time in early 2016, he asked
for my number so we exchanged contacts. One day, I hung at the library and I
got a text from him, asking me to be his girlfriend, I was a bit unsure at
first, but then I thought he was nice, so it would be nice, so I said, yes. We
spent time together, going to the movies, hanging at his place, watching movies
or TV shows together, having dinner with his parents and getting to know them,
and his big brother. I even was so happy when he adopted a kitten, she was so
cute! We even went to the pool together and went out for ice cream together. Plus,
that same summer, he went off to camp and I was so happy when he sent me a
letter. It was nice seeing him and when we had our first kiss, I was so happy! It
was nice to have a man in my life. However, after nearly a year, things
changed. I was starting to feel less love, spending time with him felt more
like a chore, I sometimes kept quiet about certain movies in cinemas that I
either wanted to see alone or with different friends, I found that he was
getting too close for my liking whenever I was reading a book, he could be possessive
whenever I talked to other guys (I can assure you I was never trying to cheat
or flirt) and I had trouble telling him I was uncomfortable because I loved him
and was afraid of hurting his feelings. He had also done things that made me feel
upset or uncomfortable, like constantly texting me and freaking out if I didn’t
answer, either because I was at school, my phone died or I was at the grocery
store to pick up a few things after school. Plus, on my birthday, I wanted to
go out to dinner with my friends after friendship club, but then my boyfriend
said he was coming too. I was not happy about that since we were going to see
the Lego Batman movie the next day and I wanted to just spend time with friends
for a change, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I let him tag along,
while secretly feeling resentful. I felt overwhelmed and unsure, I had thoughts
about breaking up with him, but I was afraid of breaking his heart so I kept
being in the relationship even if I wasn’t happy. Soon, I spoke to my therapist
and some people and I realized that I didn’t want to be in the relationship
anymore. After a couple of months, I sent him a break up email. We saw each
other at friendship club a few times afterwards, but we remained civil.
I will admit
though I wasn’t any better in the relationship as well, when it first started I
might’ve gotten a bit too close or affectionate and I could have trouble
managing my emotions by sometimes whining or complaining and I could’ve done a
better job communicating with him.
My time in a
relationship was a rather interesting time for me and overwhelming but I think
there are some lessons to be learned.
Watch For Red Flags
One of the
keys to being in a relationship is to always pay attention to the red flags
that will give you a warning that there are problems that need to be addressed
or that the relationship isn’t worth continuing. If you ignore the red flags,
it can hurt you and your relationship even more and it could have severe
consequences on your mental health and well being. I wish I had paid attention
to those red flags sooner, I should’ve found a polite way to tell him not to
come to my birthday dinner and talked about my feelings sooner or broke up
sooner, had I done that I wouldn’t have been in a bigger mess than I was when I
kept going on. Your mental health is the most important thing in the world and
you should always care for it no matter what, and paying attention to the red
flags is one of the things you can do to care for it.
Boundaries Are Important
One of my
issues that I had was that I felt like he was disrespecting my personal space
by getting too close or excessively texting me or the birthday incident, I had
spoken about it but I still felt guilty for doing it, even now I still struggle
with setting boundaries. Even if you’re in an intimate relationship, you
deserve your personal space, don’t be afraid to kindly but firmly set
boundaries with your significant other and I also apologize to my former
boyfriend for getting a bit too close when we got started. It’s okay and
important to set boundaries, it shows that you respect yourself and your body
and if you love yourself, you will be able to love others too, when you respect
yourself you will teach others how to respect you.
Putting Your Mental Health First/Doing
What’s Best For You
One of the
most important things in life is to prioritize your mental health and well
being (unless it malicious or illegal) over anything else, no matter what
anyone else says or does, I wish I had done that sooner. I had mostly put my
boyfriend first, I did things he wanted to do with me, even if I felt
uncomfortable or didn’t feel like it or wanted to do something like chilling at
home to watch a movie or see friends or family, (one time he invited me to go
see a movie and go to his place afterwards, I was able to compromise by going
to the movie with him and going home afterwards, I felt a bit bad about it but
it was a fine compromise) and I stayed in the relationship because I knew he
loved me and was afraid of hurting him if I left. I put him first more than I
should’ve and as a result I ended up hurting myself and the relationship. I
felt conflicted about breaking up with him, I spoke to my therapist and some
others and I soon started to tell myself that this relationship would be going
nowhere. So, as hard as it was, I decided to put my mental health first and I
had the guts to send him a break up text, while trying to be as gentle as
possible, telling him that things weren’t working out, thanking him for
everything and wishing the best for him. As I sent the email, I noticed he sent
me an email apologizing to me, which I will admit was a great thing to do,
showing he knows the importance of admitting your faults, but I still didn’t
feel like going on. We saw each other
only a few more times but we remained friendly towards each other, we never saw
each other again afterwards. I still had and have emotional issues but I felt
less stressed after that and was content with being single again. This reminded
me of something some mentors told me, while it’s important to do things for
others, there are times when you have to do what’s best for you.
One of the
things that inspired me to send this article, was when a friend who’s also a
mentor to me talked about her failed relationship, she was starting to have
mixed feelings around her boyfriend, they had some disagreements and she also
noticed he was treating her like his mother than a girlfriend, so she
eventually broke up with him, I’m proud of her for putting her well being
first.
Now I’m not
trying to discourage you from dating, you have every right to do so, I’m just
saying, that if you are going to be in a relationship, make sure you’re doing
it because you want to, not because others want you to, and if you are in a
relationship and things do get tough, you should talk to them about it or spend
some time away to reflect or see how you feel and if you do feel like it’s
going nowhere, it might be for the best to end it, even if you have kids (but
make sure you think of their well being too) it can be good for your mental
health and improve yourself and your relationship.
Plus, if you
feel pressured to fit in with your friends who are married, dating and have
kids, here’s something I want to say, it’s okay if you’re not doing these
things. Don’t ever compare your life to others, especially on social media, everyone
has their own unique path and others lives are not as perfect as they may seem.
There’s no right or wrong time to date or marry, some people do that later than
their 20s but that’s not a bad thing, it’s your story, cherish it. I know a
good example.
A good
friend of my mom’s hadn’t been married for a while, even after my mom and some
of their friends were getting married and having kids, she could be like an
aunt to her friends kids. One day, she and my mom went out and they saw a guy
and my mom played Matchmaker for them and it went so well that they soon got
married and had two children, she even gained a stepdaughter, who was her
husband’s daughter from a previous marriage and they made a creative, amazing
family all together. I love seeing them and consider them family, the kids I
consider to be like cousins, especially their son. My mom’s friend was 40 when
she married and had her first baby, some may find it strange that this happened in her 40s and it may not seem normal to some, but things worked out well for her . Some people get married and have a family, in their 20s, some do it in their 40s, and there’s nothing wrong with the latter, there’s no right or wrong time for those things, everyone has their own way of life, and we must embrace ours. If you are wanting to date, remember, do it for you, not for
others.
I also have another one to tell. My aunt actually had been married twice. She didn't get married in her mid to late 20s like my mom did. When she was in her mid 30s she met a guy all the way from London England and they became friends. A couple years later, she called my family and me on Christmas saying they were getting married and asked if I wanted to be the flower girl, I was thrilled. So that summer, after an exhausting flight, we spent time together, met her future husband's sister and kids, taking tours around London and finally came to the wedding day. It was a wonderful day and since I liked the man she married I knew it would be great. Sadly, after a few years my aunt wasn't happy in the marriage and so they divorced, it was shocking. Later that year, she met another guy, my mom went big sister mode on him when she flew to London to see the 2012 Olympics Opening with my aunt, making sure he treats her little sister right and according to him he passed the test. A couple of months later we got to meet him and it was a great time, he even taught me how to draw a perfect star. After many FaceTime calls, a Disney trip, where we got to meet two of his kids from previous marriages and visits, we heard that they were going to get married near the end of 2016. We flew all the way to London to join the wedding and celebrate, while also meeting another one of his kids who helped marry them, from dancing and doing a photobooth with my new cousins and being together it was yet another great night. My aunt did marry twice and got married later than expected, she was in her mid 40s when she had her second wedding and did gain stepchildren who had reached adulthood or were teenagers but it still worked out perfectly, another sign that there is no right or wrong time for marriage. The only downside of both marriages was that they lived far away in London so that meant I couldn't see my aunt as much as I did before, which made me sad but my uncle is a pretty great guy and he makes me happy, he's very easy to love. With the time gaps and expensiveness it's not always easy but whenever we get together, whether it was my family and I flying to England or them coming to Toronto, whether it was for Christmas or for my mom's funeral it's always great. Whenever they come on Christmas, we usually take walks on that day and it's a nice time for us to bond. When they came for my mom's funeral, my aunt shared beautiful photos of the two when they were little girls, she told me some stories and we had a fun time getting lost when looking for the restaurant we were going to have dinner. The last time we went to London before COVID (which also happened to be my mom's last trip there), we did so many things together from going on a boat ride in Windsor, playing indoor mini golf, seeing Come From Away, or walking down Brighton were all great times, a signal that my aunt found the perfect guy. I'm really happy and excited to see them in Europe this summer, the many flights I'm not looking forward to but we got this and it will go great!!
My
experience was a rather hard yet interesting time for me. It helped me see what
it was like to be in a relationship and helped me realize I wasn’t ready for it
and coming to terms with it. Maybe I will be in a relationship again someday or
maybe not, maybe for years, but until then, I’m perfectly happy with being
single. If you are single you can still be happy, you’ll have more time for the
things you like to do.
Childhood Book
I would also
like to reference one of my favourite books from when I was a kid, its called,
“The Paper Bag Princess” by Robert Munsch. The story is about a princess named
Elizabeth, she has it all and is going to marry a prince named Ronald, but then
a dragon burns her castle and clothes and takes away Prince Ronald. She puts on
a paper bag to wear and goes to find the dragon. She outsmarts him by making
him breathe a lot of fire to burn down forests and fly around the world in 10
seconds, it wears him out and he falls asleep. After that, Elizabeth rescues
Ronald, but he doesn’t even thank her, all he does is yell at her for her
appearance and to come back when she looks like a real princess. Hurt and
angry, Elizabeth calls him out for his ingratitude and tells him that while he
looks like a prince he is actually a bum and she runs off into the sunset.
I loved this
book when I was little, I even got to see a play for it at a former children’s
theatre where the actors signed my poster, but as I got older, I appreciated it
even more because I understood the message about how you don’t need a man or
relationship to complete you. Also, Elizabeth is a great role model for kids especially little girls, she’s smart seeing how she used her smarts and wits to defeat the dragon, she
is adaptable seeing how she wore a paper bag without any complaints and she is
assertive too, when Prince Ronald is rude to her, she stands up for herself and
is independent seeing how she was happy to have left him. If any of you readers
are parents, I recommend you go to your local bookstore or library and read it
to your child, you can teach them at an early age about skills that can help
them grow into well adjusted, grounded and independent human beings.
Oh, and before I finish this story, I want to give a big thank you to the author, Robert Munsch, you knew how to create funny stories and emotional ones too, with your book, Love You Forever, and you wrote a great fairytale that children are still reading to this day, you rock! And thanks again for gifting me this big stuffed bunny as a prize many Easters ago when you came to tell stories and quiz us kids! Hope you're doing okay!
Here's the bunny I won from him
If you ever
want to be in a relationship, go for it, be prepared to make compromises with
them to make it work and you’ll both be happy. At the same time, remember to
always pay attention to red flags, don’t be afraid to set boundaries and put
your mental health first, if you do those it will help you see if a
relationship is worth continuing.
Whether
you’re single or taken, you deserve to be happy and are strong human beings!
Comments
Post a Comment