The Impact Of Loss

 

Changes are inevitable in life. We can go through a lot of changes, like graduating school, seeing friends move far away, ending friendships, our bodies change, parents seeing kids grow up and leave the nest, moving away and sometimes places we’ve been to have changed, like the playgrounds I used to play at or the times I came to my older schools, they look a lot smaller than I remember. One of the biggest and most inevitable changes we can experience in life is death. We all will lose someone we loved for many reasons, whether it comes to illnesses like cancer or pneumonia, old age, vehicle accidents, car crashes due to drunk drivers (don’t call that an accident because the driver was being an idiot for driving while intoxicated), or fires. I haven’t dealt with a lot of losses in my life but the ones I had experienced were definitely not easy.

 

The first ever loss I experienced was my grandmother, who I called Grammy. For 4 years she was one of the coolest ladies I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. She was loving, she would take me places, I would sleep over at her apartment, sometimes she would surprise me with a new video to watch, like a new Wiggles or Blue’s Clues video, she’d play it for me and she had a Blue’s Clues book I would look at before she said good night to me, she and my aunt would take me to a pool one summer, and I even remember her taking me to a doctor to get a shot when I had eaten food that we found out too late was infected. I was enjoying time with her so much that I didn’t know at whenever it happened, that she was sick. She was diagnosed with cancer and wasn’t going to survive it, no matter how much chemo and treatment she would get. My parents had known about it, my mom was expecting her second baby and since she knew my grandmother wouldn’t live to see her second grandchild, my mom went to the hospital to see the gender and she told Grammy she was having a boy. I remember seeing a wig in what used to be our guest room (when the baby came he took my old room and the guest room became my room), one time she stayed over, which I assume was for her since she lost her hair from chemo. By the time I was 4, she was really sick and a couple of weeks later, we went to the hospital to see her, and I remember being told to be quiet and being in this unfamiliar area, I was really scared. When we walked to the room, I could see my aunt in a room and my grandmother was on a bed and her eyes were closed. Being the naïve child I was, I assumed she was sleeping, but inside I could tell something was wrong, I didn’t understand the concept of death but I knew it wasn’t good, so I didn’t go into the room, even when my aunt tried to ease my mind by playing hide and seek with me, it still didn’t help. Even when my dad and nanny took me another day, I still was uncomfortable. My mom tried to explain what happened, but it still was hard for me to understand and I didn’t want to believe she was gone and I would never see her again. I don’t remember much that happened afterwards, my nanny stayed with me during the visitations or funeral, I think I attended one of them, I recall going in a limo with my uncle and he played with me, and I recall seeing a lot of people. I remember we took her old car in, until my dad sold it a couple years ago, and we took in the videos she had. It did feel strange to not see her anymore though I did get used to it after a while, it was harder for my mom, since that was her mom. The last 18 Mothers Days of her life was always hard, with her not being around, I’m sure anyone without a mom can relate to. It also was hard since she was pregnant at the time, don’t worry though, she didn’t have a miscarriage, though he came at a difficult time, this was during SARS and it meant he couldn’t be born at the hospital I was born at and my mom had to go to a different hospital in Ontario, she still got there, my brother came and he and mom were fine, which was not only a miracle but also a bright light for my mom, after losing a loved one, she gained a new one. I still really miss my grandmother and I wish she was here to see me graduate preschool, see my brother, go on vacations with me, see my aunt get married and so much more. I can still keep her alive from looking at photos and ever since I did a project in high school, where we made a family tree, I learnt about my grammy’s birthday and the day she passed, ever since then, including on Mother’s Day, I would take walks to stop by the apartment she lived in, walk inside the mall since I have faint memories of being there with her, even hanging at the bookstore, reading some of the books I remember her reading to me and even going to a park that’s about a 10 or 15 minute walk from the area, I can imagine that being something we would’ve done together. Sometimes on YouTube I would watch a Wiggles video on that day because it would remind me of when we used to watch them together. My mom even once found a postcard my grandmother sent me when she went to the Cayman Islands when I started preschool. Those things always make me feel like she’s still here and I know she’s watching over me and her family.

My uncle had passed the same year my grandmother left, only much later. I remember my uncle would play with me, when I went to I think a visitation or my Grandmother’s funeral, I went in a limousine with him, he would sit as I played with keys on the piano and would read to me. I remember him playing in my grandparents’ backyard with me, he would sit with me in the playroom and I remember telling him I could see Blue from Blue’s Clues when he took me out the front yard. He even gave me a stuffed cat puppet when I was a baby. He was a great guy, and he was into drama that might’ve given me the acting bug I had for years, until I felt maybe I would be better writing, especially for someone as quiet and introverted as I am. However, like my grandmother, I didn’t know he was having health issues, he stayed with my paternal grandparents, apparently he had some brain tumor or something similar to AIDS (my dad told me his sickness was something like that when we once watched Forrest Gump and Jenny was telling Forrest that she was sick, and when I told him about beloved lyricist Howard Ashman who had died from AIDS), and it wasn’t good, I don’t think I saw him for the last months because he was at the hospital, my dad even told me and my brother about a time he was in the hospital and my dad was in a hurry to get to the hospital, he got pulled over for speeding but the cop let him off with a warning when he learnt why he was going so fast. Inevitably he had passed on, and though I don’t quite fully remember what had happened afterwards, I know my family got a lot of love and support from family members, at the funeral, I think my dad told me that they even had Rufus Wainright sing Hallelujah at the funeral, which is why he told me that his favourite part in Shrek other than the onion scene was the Hallelujah scene, and I think that’s why the song has become a fan favourite for our family. I may have only known my uncle for 4 years but I know he was a great guy, great love for drama and great with cats, he and my dad had cats when they were kids, and maybe that’s where my love of kitties came from. I wish he was there to pet my little girl and even Cassie when she was alive but I know he’s watching over us.

 

As I grew up, I didn’t experience many losses, other than my grandparent’s dog he was a great dog to be with and play with. By that time I was old enough to understand what death is, and it wasn’t until my 20s I think I truly experienced loss that had an impact on me.

 

The first one was my cat Cassie. She was a great kitty, from the moment we brought her home, she brought a lot of joy to our home, she was a friend to anyone who came over, she would sleep with me on my bed, I would play with her and spend a lot of time petting and brushing her, just listening to her purr was always a lovely thing to listen to. She was one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I had wanted a kitty for years, whenever I would see cats in the neighbourhood, spending time with my uncle’s old kitty, or even hanging out with a cat a friend of mine had, and once Cassie came, it was quite the change but one of the best ones ever, she gave us joy in the 8 and a half years she was our kitty. Sadly, like all time with pets, it had to come to an end eventually. As I mentioned in my article about my two kitties, I had noticed in mid April 2019, she looked sick, my dad and I took her to the vet and they said she was constipated and dehydrated, and they told us it might be kidney issues, which is usually a death sentence for cats, once they confirmed it was a kidney issue, they were able to give her surgery and she stayed at the vet for a few days, (this was like getting us ready for the inevitable) but even they knew it wouldn’t last long enough, and eventually almost a week after she came home, she was sick again and we decided it was time to put her down, so we had one more day with her, I spent it petting her and telling her how much I loved her. On the morning we saw her looking sick and we all petted her, kissed her, I let her use my baby blanket since she loved it so much and we saw the vet inject her and seeing her lifeless was really sad to see. This is why I don’t think I could ever be a vet. It was sad walking home, with my dad holding an empty carrier, and it wasn’t easy to adjust afterwards, I still continued going on with life but it was still hard to come home and not see her come to greet us, or coming into my room, and even hearing her meow when it was time to feed her, the house felt a bit empty without her, sure we were a family of 4 for a long time before we adopted her but once you have a pet for a long time it’s very worth getting used to and the pets feel like part of the family and give you some joy in your life, so to not have them there is really hard and devastating. Luckily, by the end of summer the hole was filled when we adopted a cute little tuxedo kitten named Marly, she’s more vocal and energetic than Cassie was but she is still a lovely little girl, she is another great friend to me. I do miss Cassie and though she’s not around anymore, I know she’ll always be with me and we have her ashes at home, and I have another kitty to love.

The biggest loss I did experience was my mom. We were all in the house together for months due to the lockdowns, and it sometimes would cause tension due to the frustrations of not being able to leave or see friends, we would sometimes get into each other’s hair and we sometimes would have emotional moments letting our feelings about this situation go. We still would play games and eat together, especially in holidays when we had to stay home and spend time petting my little Marly Mew. By summer, it seemed like things were picking up, we got our COVID shots, places were opening again, my mom was able to see some Jays games, we got to go to our friend’s cottage near the end of August, we got to have a long overdue family dinner at one of our favourite restaurants and it seemed like things were going well. But by October things changed. I noticed my mom looked exhausted, her voice sounded tired and was low on energy. I remember she spent a lot of time in the bathroom, and she wanted to sleep alone in my parents bedroom and my dad slept on the couch for her, and I would see her looking really tired on the couch. I sometimes spoke to my dad about her since I was a bit concerned, he said that she was probably burnt out from the lifestyle we had lived thanks to COVID, after we did our laundry and he drove me to my hair appointment, he told me he was planning to take her out the next weekend (he was planning to go away that weekend) so she could have some fun, but that never happened. After I spent time at thrift stores in Mississauga, I came home, my family and I watched the new episode of Young Sheldon, and my mom was exhausted on the couch, she went up to bed and I said goodnight and I loved her, but I had no idea it would be the last time. On that Friday morning, October 15^th 2021, my dad came into my room, he sounded really upset, he told me that my mom had died, I was really shocked, he told me to keep me and my kitty in my room until my mom was taken out of the house. My brother told me later that my mom said she wasn’t feeling well and had trouble breathing and so my dad was going to take her to the hospital, but then my brother saw her on the couch with her eyes closed and when he noticed she wasn’t breathing and they called 911. The house was surrounded by emergency vehicles, the police asked my dad and brother questions, the neighbours quickly got the news, and it took a long time for the paramedics to get her out, my dad was in my room with me when he made a few phone calls, to my aunt and one of my mom’s friends. A friend of my mom’s came by and took a walk with my dad while the paramedics took my mom’s body into the ambulance, afterwards, she came to talk to me and my brother, and caught up for some time. Afterwards I had to cancel a planned dinner with my friend since we didn’t know what killed my mom and we didn’t want to give it to her since she was still suffering from leukemia, I remember after I told her, she and her mom called me to send their condolences, I told friends online and offline, and I soon gathered the courage to post about it on Instagram, and I got a lot of comments sending condolences from friends and family members. Even when I did things as I normally would, like going to the thrift store, ordering pizza for dinner and watching a few episodes of Modern Family, it still was a shock. I remember waking up the next morning remembering that she was gone, and it was still sinking in, which is natural when you lose a loved one. We had a lot of her friends come over that day, some folks I haven’t seen in ages because of life, it felt sad it was my mother’s passing that lead to this but it was nice to see some of them and even catch up with a friend of mine. The next few weeks we had gotten food from neighbours, I would get cards from friends, one got me some restaurant cards for me and my dad to use, another sent me a box of cookies, I got to go to the aquarium with my friend, some girls from high school sent me some flowers, I spent a few days in Ottawa with some friends who feel like family to me, I got to see my aunt and uncle who flew all the way from London and my aunt showed me some pictures she had of her and my mom. All as we were preparing for the funeral, I felt a bit nervous, since this was probably the first one I ever went to, since I didn’t remember my grandmother and uncle’s too well and the closest I went to was a visitation for a friend’s mother, we were there for about half an hour.  On the day of the funeral, I saw a lot of photos of her in different parts of her life, flowers, a box with my mom’s ashes and her hat on the box, and a lot of guests were wearing sports jerseys since she loved sports, and the pictures on the slideshows brought back memories, I would talk about them with some folks as we saw photos, and when some friends and family members gave speeches about her at the service, it had me see what big impacts she’s made on many lives. When we all got together at a restaurant afterwards, though it was so loud we couldn’t talk to each other without shouting, we had a fine time spending time together, my friend made this memory tree where we would write down great memories about her, my best friend and her parents came to send her support and she got to meet some of the people there, it was nice. One day, some friends came over to help clean out my mom’s closet and we found some things that brought back memories, like the dress I wore as a flower girl at my aunt’s first wedding and we gave most of the clothes away and I kept the shirts my mom got from our Disney trips. We had received support for months, visits with friends, some phone calls, and even friends sending cookies on my mom’s first heavenly birthday, while it of course faded out as time went on, it was still nice to get support from friends, showing how loved we all are and whenever we can see each other it’s a nice time. Especially at my friends’ cottage, they planted a tree with her ashes so she can now watch the lake every day as the cottage was her happy place. Sometimes I felt some regret, I wish I had helped my mom better, and told her to go get help sooner, she probably still would’ve lived, I also wish I had shown my love for her better, my dad and others tried to assure me I did the best I could and she wouldn’t want me to feel guilty. I sometimes had problems with her but I still miss her, I even miss her yelling at me to be quiet downstairs. I cherish times I spent with her even more now, especially the Hugh Jackman concert, she made it possible to see one of my crushes live and for him to briefly see me. I also wish she was alive to see newer movies like Turning Red or Disenchanted (I know her favourite song would be Love Power) or even Sing 2, I know she would’ve dug the songs in that movie. I also was determined to do things she would’ve wanted, like doing the Terry Fox run every year since she felt strongly about cancer and including her in my Mother’s day traditions, by taking walks by the bank she worked at and walking by her happy place, The Rogers Centre, home of the Toronto Blue Jays, even willing to go to a Jays game to celebrate her birthday last year to see friends. This was without a doubt the biggest loss I experienced but it did have some things that will stay with me for life and I know she’ll always be around, I can even talk to her ashes whenever I feel like doing so.

 

Fiction also does a very nice job showing how death can affect one, whether it’s a parent, a friend or a family, it can show the many feelings one can feel when this happens, whether it’s isolating, developing emotional problems (especially if it was a traumatizing one), denial, and eventual acceptance. Here are some great examples of how

One of Pixar’s most iconic movies is Up. When a lot of us came into the cinema we expected a silly adventure with a million balloons making a house fly, with funny birds and talking dogs, a grouchy old man and an upbeat child. However, once we entered the cinema, we got a surprise. We saw the old man as a child, by the name of Carl seeing news in a movie theatre, and one day when he recreates what he saw, he comes across a girl around his age named Ellie and though he’s intimidated by her, she soon warms up to him and the two become friends, Carl even promises to take her on an adventure to Paradise Falls in South America. The two get married when they grow up, they turn Ellie’s playhouse into a house for them to live in. They do simple but fun things together like, having picnics, looking at clouds in the sky and they get jobs at the zoo, that even has a South American spot. They want to have kids, only to find out they can’t, Carl tries to cheer Ellie up by going with their plan to go to Paradise Falls, they try to save up money, but life gets in the way, from fixing a flat tire or fixing a roof, and time goes by and they develop gray hair. One day Carl thinks about their adventure and decides to surprise Ellie with tickets to Venezuela but Ellie gets too old and sick and the couple have their final goodbyes, and now Carl is all alone. This leads to Carl becoming a grouchy old man, who spends time in his house alone, never leaves, never socialises and is filled with guilt over not keeping his promise and just stays in his house filled with just items that gather dust, he also accidentally hurts a construction worker when they accidentally break his mailbox, causing him to be forced out of his house. When he decides to go to Paradise Falls by using balloons to make it fly, he spends a lot of time trying to protect his house thinking Ellie is in there, and he struggles to be friends with the ones who join him on his journey. Once he finally gets his house to Paradise Falls, he feels sad because he pushed his friends away and he still feels guilt for not keeping his promise to Ellie, and when he looks at her adventure book, he feels sad but then when he ends up turning the page that shows the things she wanted to do, he sees various photos of their lives together, from their wedding, their birthdays, feeding birds, and just spending time together, and he even sees a message from Ellie, thanking him for the adventure and encouraging him to have a new one. This makes Carl realize he did give Ellie what she truly wanted, their whole life was an adventure, and he has the courage to accept Dug as his dog, help Russell rescue Kevin and sacrifice his old house to save his new friends from a murderous Charles Muntz, and he sees his house float away, he’s able to let go and live a new life. He gains the surrogate son or grandson he wanted and gave Russell the father figure he needed having an absent father, passes the badge Ellie gave him to the boy, and is able to be the playful lovable guy he was before Ellie died, heck the house went to where it needs to be, on top of Paradise Falls. There is also a sad story about the release. Around the time, there was a 10 year old girl named Colby Curtin who loved going to the movies and wanted to see Up, but she had been diagnosed with vascular cancer and wasn’t well enough to leave home without a wheelchair. So her mother called Pixar and they sent an employee to bring a DVD and some merchandise to their house for a private screening. Colby ended up losing her sight but her mother told her everything that happened and by the time the movie ended she said she loved it, 7 hours later, Colby died surrounded by her family. One of the bits of merch they got was an adventure book, which they used to fill with memories of Colby, the film, the film helped them cope with their daughter’s passing and being able to fulfill her wish, just like Carl did with Ellie, that is beautiful and really emotional.

 The Up shorts, Dug Days, expands on moving on from death a bit, it has Carl buying a house for him and Dug to live in, even having a photo of him and Ellie’s wedding, keeping a part of her here, and we see Carl just enjoying a happy life with Dug. The last short which played before Elemental also expands on it a bit, Carl gets a phone call from a woman at the Senior’s Centre, asking him on a date and Carl gets a bit carried away getting ready, and is a bit nervous about being disloyal to Ellie, but when Dug gives him good advice on what he should do on a date, Carl decides to keep it simple and just be himself, but he doesn’t leave without talking to the photo of Ellie and assures her that no matter what happens, she’ll always be his girl. People complained about Carl going on a date because they felt it was betraying Ellie but I disagree. Sometimes people date after the passing of their spouses or significant others, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love them, they just want to continue living, I’m sure their deceased loved ones wouldn’t want them to stop living because they’re gone, they would just want them to be happy until they reunite in heaven. Comedian Patton Oswalt lost his wife in 2016, leaving him alone with his then 7 year old daughter Alice, he kept her home from school so they could grieve together and a year later, he started dating actress Meredith Salenger and by November of 2017, the two married, giving Alice a new mom, even before the wedding, she had posted lovely pictures of the three doing things together and she has said nothing but loving things towards them, and afterwards, she had shown more family pictures, times with her step daughter, and even going to movie premieres, and they even recorded an episode of My Little Pony which had a connection to their family history. Another one is that glee actress Lea Michele married years after her wedding with Cory Monteith was cancelled because he died, and now has a son and is currently expecting another one. Just because Patton and Lea married later it doesn’t mean they don’t love them, it just means they are moving on and continuing to live a happy life, something I’m sure their significant others would’ve wanted for them.

Another thing I want to talk about when it comes to moving on after losing someone is, surprisingly a children’s book I came across last year it’s a book called The Kitten Nobody Wanted. It’s from a series  of books by Holly Webb, each book contains stories about puppies and kittens finding homes. This one revolves around a girl named Mia who’s coping with the death of her cat Sandy, she misses him so much that whenever her parents try to encourage her to adopt a new kitty, she objects to it and when her best friend Emily tells her that her cat Snowball had kittens, Mia’s afraid to go see them because she thinks it means forgetting Sandy, after having a bit of a fight with her friend and telling her grandmother about it, the latter tries to assure her that they’re not trying to make her forget her cat, they’re just trying to make her happy and this encourages her to go see the kittens. When she sees them, one white kitten instantly takes a liking to her and climbs on her lap, every time she comes to visit him, even when she comes for a sleepover, he climbs onto her sleeping bag and sleeps on her chest. When the time comes for the kittens to find new homes, the little white kitten which Mia named Whiskers, doesn’t seem to like anyone who wants to take him home, he just wants Mia, and even then, Mia is still unsure about taking him home because she’s worried it will mean replacing Sandy. Then when Emily tells Mia that someone might come to adopt Whiskers, Mia feels terrible for not admitting that she wanted to keep the kitten, runs home sad for not speaking up, and it hurts even more when she sees him not in the house. Then, Whiskers comes into her room, and her grandmother tells her that she talked with her parents and they agreed that Whiskers should be her kitten and the lady who was coming was understanding about it and Mia feels happy to have him, especially when he rests on Sandy’s blanket. The book ends on a happy note when Mia and Whiskers wake up on Christmas morning to see Mia’s stocking filled with candy for her and even treats for him that Santa sent. Then grandma gives Mia a special gift, a photo frame with two pictures, one of Sandy and one of Whiskers. Though Sandy is gone, he’ll always be with her and having Whiskers around gives her a new friend to love. It may be hard to lose a pet and it may be hard to find a new one, but just because you’re getting a new one it doesn’t mean you’re replacing or forgetting them, it means you’re opening your heart to a new one who you’ll love as much as your old one, as someone who had this happen, I can relate to that.

 

I know an underrated movie that can tackle what loss can do to someone and that is a movie called Uptown Girls, starring the late Brittany Murphy and Dakota Fanning. The story is about a young woman who lives off her parents wealth until she learns the manager has stolen her money and now she has to get a job to make ends meet, she becomes a nanny for an eight year old girl named Ray, who doesn’t act much like a child. The two clash and fight but as they spend time together, we see there’s more to it. Molly was the daughter of a famous rock star, when she was Ray’s age, her parents went away on tour, and left her at home so she wouldn’t miss school anymore, and she never said goodbye, and then at midnight she got some bad news, their plane had crashed and they never made it. Having no parental figures to help her cope and heal, she subjected to throwing parties and living a careless life so she could run from the pain of her loss and she never got any proper closure and has shown abandonment issues when it came to her crush Neal or even mentioning any of the songs her father wrote. Ray on the other hand has absent parents, her mother is always working, never paying attention to her daughter and her father is in a coma from a stroke, and she resorts to stifling her feelings and trying to act like it’s not a big deal. As the two spend time together, they are able to help each other, Ray helps Molly see her worth and do something for herself so she can have a more stable life and Molly encourages Ray to express her feelings and even talk to her dad. Unfortunately, Ray’s father dies and when Molly goes to see Ray, she won’t talk to her and when her mother fires Molly, she demands to know why. When mother Roma claims that Ray is taking the tragedy well, but Molly knows that’s not true and tells her about what happens in her life and calls Roma out for not paying attention to her daughter, showing how Molly has grown, she is willing to call folks out when it counts and stick up for others, she doesn’t want Ray to go through what she did. The movie ends on a bittersweet note where, Ray does a dance recital which involves her doing a freestyle dance with tutu that Molly made (which helped Molly find her possible calling, involving fashion) and the singer Neal buying her father’s guitars and playing a song he wrote for her called Molly Smiles, as Ray dances to it. The movie seems like your typical comedy but inside it shows two girls helping each other cope with trauma, one young adult learning to confront her trauma (think of what Simba learnt in the Lion King) and the same girl helping a little girl be vulnerable and show that kids have different ways of dealing with hard times and how we can help or understand them (I will admit to needing to work on that one), and that can help one heal from it.

Another media example I can think of is actually one of the subplots in one of my favourite Illumination movies Sing 2. When Buster and Ash try to get the famous singer Clay Calloway (voiced by Bono of U2 fame) to join them in their show, the latter tells Buster that won’t be possible because he hasn’t come out and sung ever since his wife passed away and she was the one who inspired him with his songs. Ash tries to talk to him about it telling him that his wife would’ve wanted him to continue singing and not stay home in isolation, and after she plays one of his songs, that’s enough to convince him to join them in the show. When they arrive they find Buster ordering everyone to leave because Jimmy wants to kill him and the others, Clay talks about how running and hiding while thinking he had no choice, never helped him in his grief and tells them they have a choice but he didn’t have the courage to make the right choice. This inspires Buster to do the show despite the danger they could be in, because they have courage and won’t let that bully known as Jimmy Crystal stop them. With security help from Johnny’s dad and his gang, they let the show go on, and when it’s time for Clay and Ash to have their duet Clay is still nervous and unsure, but once Ash starts to sing and the audience joins in, and he thinks about his wife standing near him, encouraging him to sing, he joins in and they have a heartfelt duet of I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. Its another great way to remember that while it’s hard to lose someone, you should never let that stop you from continuing on in life, they would want you to continue on instead of isolating and shutting yourself out. It’s quite a mature topic from Illumination, it goes the show that with good writing they are capable of writing heartfelt stories as well as comical ones.

My last point will be about two movies that have a preteen dealing with the loss of a friend, My Girl and Bridge To Terabithia, both movies show two kids spending time together as friends as the only ones who spend time together avoiding bullies, the protagonists have daddy issues, in My Girl, Vada’s dad is grieving over his wife and doesn’t pay a lot of attention to his daughter and in Terabithia, Jess’ dad Jack is working so hard to make ends meet and he is too hard on his son, to the point of mocking him for his drawings when he loses the keys, he’s more harder on him while soft on his younger sisters. The two friends also fall in love with each other, Vada and Thomas J share a kiss and Vada agrees to think of him if she doesn’t marry their teacher Mr. Bixler, and after Jess and Leslie get his dad’s keys, the two say goodbye to each other and Jess starts to see her as more than a friend. However, little do both characters know that was the last time they would see each other. When Thomas J goes to find Vada’s missing mood ring which she lost when they knocked down a beehive (never do that!) he ends up kicking the hive and when he finds it, the bees start stinging him and his glasses fall off. In Terabithia, when the music teacher Miss Edmunds invites Jess to go to the museum with her, Leslie goes to Terabithia on her own, and she tries to swing across on a rope but it snapped, and she fell into the flooded creek (earlier the creek had gotten higher due to the rain and it was becoming more dangerous to swing across) and hit her head underwater and ended up drowning, however unlike Thomas J, this accident happened off camera. Both movies have the fathers telling them the bad news. After a police officer tells Harry the bad news, he goes to Vada’s room to tell her what happened, at first Vada wants to yell at him for teasing the bees, but Harry tells Vada she can’t because he was allergic to bees and Vada worriedly asks him if he’s okay, but Harry tells her no because there were too many of them and this breaks her. In Terabithia, when Jess comes home, his mother runs to him crying, Jess is confused when his older sister says that they thought he was dead, then Jack tells Jess about what happened to Leslie, and he doesn’t believe it and runs to her house and sees police cars there. The movies also show how the kids cope with their losses. Vada doesn’t take the news well, she runs to the doctor claiming the bee stings hurt her, showing her feeling his pain and she spends the whole day in her room and never comes out. On the day of the funeral, when she sees Thomas J in the casket she tries to wake him up and tells everyone to put his glasses on, showing how much denial she’s in over his passing and refuses to believe he’s gone. In Terabithia, after Jess is told about her passing he locks himself in his room and looks at his drawing of Leslie and he ends up falling asleep, his father comes in later and gently tucks him in. In the morning, his parents tell them that they’ll be going to the Burkes’ to pay their respects, Jess acts confused, showing he’s still in denial. Then, when her father thanks him for being there for Leslie, Jess has other ways of coping, when a bully mocks her death he punches him and for once, his teacher (who is very strict) doesn’t punish him, she just shares her story of her grief over losing her husband and sympathizes with him, he can’t sing in music class (the fact that the whole class sounds sad doesn’t help matters), when he gets off the bus he waits for Leslie to come out but she doesn’t and when his little sister May Belle goes after him only to nearly fall off a log, after he saves her he snaps at her and pushes her ordering her to go home. Even when he goes to Terabithia he still doesn’t believe she’s gone, he goes looking for her and even when he hears someone calling him he thinks its Leslie when it’s actually May Belle. Both movies have them come to terms with their passings with parents. When Vada comes home after she ran out of the funeral, she talks to her future stepmother Shelley about Thomas J and she assures her that he knew he was her best friend and this helps Vada accept her as a new mother, then when her father comes into her room, she asks if she killed her mom since her mother died after giving birth to her, but Harry assures her it wasn’t her fault, these things just happened and they’re able to talk about her mother and it brings them closer. In Terabithia, Jess sees a monster chasing him, he eventually trips and he thinks the monster is going to get him, but it’s really his father getting him to realize that Leslie really is gone, and he finally ends up breaking down, and this time, his father holds him and lets him cry. When Jess tearfully blames himself for what happened, his dad assures him that it’s not his fault and encourages him to hold onto the special things she brought him when she came to keep her alive. The films end with the kids coming to terms with it and still continuing on like their friends would’ve wanted. Vada talks to Thomas J’s mom who gives her the mood ring, promising to visit her, and assures her that her mother will take care of Thomas J, she writes a poem about him and the willow tree they used to hang out and reads it aloud in her writing class and it ends with her going biking with her new friend Judy. In Terabithia, when Leslie’s father allows him to use the lumber by their house, he builds a bridge to cross in Terabithia and he invites May Belle to join him, so she can play with him and sharing everything he and Leslie created with her. Both movies do a great job showing how death can be unexpected and shocking and even harder when it happens at a young age, and they both do a great job making the grief they feel believable but they also succeed in showing how they coped with it and eventually accept it while never forgetting them, they’re so emotionally powerful.

 

Death is the hardest thing anyone can go through, especially when it’s someone you once loved, it can make you feel a lot of emotions, it might be hard to do anything and it can just be hard in general, some of the deaths I experienced were hard for sure, and I’m sure it can be hard for you too, but if you have your memories, think about them, and imagine them telling you to still go on, even if it’s hard, they’ll never leave you, they’ll always be around. You never will truly get over their passings but never ever let that stop you from living.

 

Have you dealt with the loss of someone? How did it make you feel? Please feel free to share. If anyone is dealing with or has dealt with a loss, I hope you know you’re not alone and I send my love and condolences.